I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
