it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
