I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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