I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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