I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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