I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
