it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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