Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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