if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
