dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
