I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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