dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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