I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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