they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
