I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
