areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
