You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
