Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
