remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
