I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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