I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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