Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
