Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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