"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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