I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
