I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
