Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
