dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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