but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
