Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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