dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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