how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
