you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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