I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize