Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
