i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
