Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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