I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
