I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
