I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
