True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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