So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
