I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
