very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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