Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
