if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
