You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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