My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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