I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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