I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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