I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
