I wish life had little blips of pornography
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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